


Contemplation

by BettyHT



Category: Bonanza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-05 22:53:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16376570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BettyHT/pseuds/BettyHT
Summary: Adam has been gone and the family has lost touch with him. On the eve of Joe's wedding, each of them will be thinking about their family.





	Contemplation

Contemplation

Ben's Contemplation

"Liz, I'm so sorry. I let you down, and I let my son down. I was so hard on him for so many years. He was my best friend, my constant companion, and yet when he asked for my respect, it wasn't there. He said I expected him to be perfect and that I never gave him a chance to explain when things didn't go well. He chafed at the way he had to always do things the way I wanted them done. There wasn't enough room for him to be a person walking in my shadow and treated as my son and not as a man. He said that then, and I didn't accept it. I told him he was wrong. He said he was going, and I told he wouldn't be able to stay away, that the land was in his blood, and in his heart. He said it was his blood that was in the land, and it was sucking the life out of him. Then he was gone. We rarely heard from him, and now there's been no word at all for years. I'm not even sure of where he's living. Watch over him, please, and keep him safe." With tears in his eyes, Ben set Elizabeth's portrait on his desk once more.

Leaning back, Ben took a sip of his brandy, and looked at the second photo. "Inger, I did much better with our son. He's a rock, and yet he is my most gentle son. He's always on an even keel. Whenever I tend to wander off course, it's our son who guides me back. Over the years, he's been the son who argues with me and challenges me the least, but when I need a talking to, he's the one to do it. He can knock me down with only a few words, but he's been there to back me up when I've needed it, and helped to still the rough waters between his brothers too. He has the strength of ten men and a heart as big. I fear that someday he's going to step in to help someone and get hurt too badly. I fear that and yet I know that's the kind of man he is, and I admire him so much for it. He's a lot like you, my dear."

Contemplating Marie's photo on his desk, Ben drained the last of his snifter of brandy. "My little firebrand, you gave me a son who doesn't know the meaning of can't. He is confident of his ability to do anything. Even when he fails, he jumps back up ready to go again. He has roped his brother Hoss into so many harebrained schemes, I can't count them. Every time, he's so sure that this one will be the one that makes him famous. His zest for life would be exhausting if he didn't instill so much energy in everyone around him with his good humor and his antics. Oh he has your temper too, and his oldest brother felt his fist more than once, but he loves just as deeply. He's getting married tomorrow. I like Alice and I think the two of them will have a good life."

Picking up the three photos, Ben stood and walked to the fireplace to push the coals back and set up the fire screen. Then he turned down the lamp leaving just enough light that his two younger sons wouldn't crash into the furniture when they got home. They had gone to town with some of the hands to meet other friends of Joe's and celebrate his last night as a bachelor. Tomorrow, Joe would be married and a new chapter would start on the Ponderosa. In his room, Ben put the photos on his bedside table. He felt closer to his departed wives on this night more than any other and had no idea why. Ben found sleep elusive as he did whenever his sons were not home. He suspected it would be that way until the day he died. A father never stops caring and being concerned about his sons. Gradually he slipped into a fitful sleep.

Ben awakened with a start when he heard boots on the stairs. Then he relaxed. That was Joe's unmistakable giggle. How a man of almost thirty could giggle like that yet was beyond his understanding. Then he heard Hoss with his heavy step and his admonition to Joe to be quiet. But there were more footsteps. He hoped his sons had not brought any of the saloon girls home with them. In their inevitably inebriated state, who knew whom they might have dragged home with them. Ben slid out of bed and pulled his robe around him and turned up the lamp. He planned to get to the bottom of this, and make sure there were no shenanigans that might threaten the wedding planned for what was now later that day. He flung the door open and then stood in shock at what he saw.

"Hey, Pa, ain't it great? He's married, and he's got a son too. Look at that little whippersnapper. Ain't his wife a purty little thing?"

"Yeah, Pa, ain't them some great duds. He's got a lot of money too. He bought all of us a round tonight at least a, ah, oh, a whole bunch of times. He said it was only right that he celebrate my last night as a bachelor."

"Hey, Pa, how come ya ain't saying nothing? We thought for dang sure, you'd have something to say. Ifn I knew you weren't gonna say nothing, we coulda waited till morning."

Unable to speak, Ben moved to his eldest son and grasped him in a hug. Introductions were made, but it was very late, and they had traveled so far that it was decided that everyone needed to get some sleep. Soon everyone was settled into a bedroom, and Ben moved to turn down his lamp again. He looked at the photos of his wives. "You did a fine job ladies. You got all my sons home safely tonight, but Liz, you could have told me instead of letting me get so maudlin. I promise, all of my ladies, from now on, only good thoughts, only good thoughts."

Adam's Contemplation

Sitting on the train, Adam Cartwright pulled an old photo from his pocket. His wife watched him. She knew he missed his family very much, but he had been traveling so much and then finally ended up in Australia where they had met and enjoyed what could only be described as a Tasmanian devil of a romance. She found Adam to be charming and maddening and often that happened within the same conversation. He was gentle and fierce. He had the most wonderful sense of humor and she enjoyed his laugh as much as whatever caused him to throw back his head and laugh so joyously, but he could be moody. Sometimes in those dark moods of his, he could be snide and cruel, but he was always so apologetic afterwards, and she knew his regret was genuine. He loved intensely and craved love in return. She had that kind of passionate love for him as did his son who adored his father. Adam could act swiftly and decisively at times, and at other times like this, he grew very introspective. She knew to let him have this quiet time. Their son was sleeping soundly with his head on his father's lap, and his feet on hers. She kept a hand firmly on his thigh to make sure he didn't fall. She closed her eyes and leaned back hoping that Adam would be willing to share his thoughts when she finished resting her eyes.

Adam looked over and saw his wife's eyes drooping and then closing. He smiled as he wondered again how he could be so lucky to have found this woman who ignited his passions, shared his dreams, and supported him in all of his endeavors. She didn't complain often, but he knew when he pushed too hard, she would push back with a scathing rebuke that he knew he deserved. He had intended at first to ignore his youngest brother's request. To fulfill it would mean a journey of months over the ocean putting his wife and son in needless danger he thought. She had set him straight on that one insisting that their son had a right to meet his other grandfather and his uncles. She said his embarrassment and guilt over losing touch with his family was no excuse, and she began making travel arrangements. Now they were on a train to Virginia City. His brothers would hopefully be in town because it was the night before the wedding. He suspected that by now, Joe probably thought that he wasn't going to make it. It had been close, but there was no point sending a letter saying they were on their way. A letter would have traveled at the same speed they had traveled. Now he looked at the old photo of his family. He stood at the side dressed all in black. He knew that even then he had been distancing himself from his family. He had a better understanding now why he had done that.

"Joe, I never understood you in all those years we lived together. You had a most remarkable way of seeing the best and worst in every situation and in every person. You had a way of bringing both of those out in me. You did show me that having fun was something that should not be ignored and that it is as essential to life as food."

"Food. Every time I sit at a banquet, I think about you, Hoss. I know it's silly to think that way, but you would have enjoyed each and every one of those. You are so much more than that though. I leaned on you so often it became a habit. When Pa and I butted heads or I had those silly arguments with Joe, you were the one who told me sometimes that I needed to back down. You also stood up to Pa on those occasions when he needed it. I guess both of us took advantage of your strength of character and the wise counsel you gave us when we weren't acting the way we should have."

"And Pa, how I misjudged you. I felt your disapproval even when it wasn't there. I know now it was coming from inside of me. I judged myself by what I thought you wanted and found myself lacking. You accepted me and understood me better than I understood myself. Much of what I felt was coming from inside me because I expected more of myself and wanted to give one hundred per cent all of the time. I was wrong. Sometimes it's good enough to do what's needed and no more so you can enjoy time with those you love. You knew how much I would miss my family and my home when I left. I guess I needed to do it to find that out for myself. I was proud and couldn't accept anything but doing what I thought I needed to do. Well, Pa, I hope you are at least happy with some of the results. I did find a woman to marry. You have a grandson. I should never have deprived you of that news, but at first, I didn't know how to breach the walls I had built up so high especially in letting my contact with my family lapse. I was traveling and communication would have been difficult, but it was also easier to accept the excuses and not try. Well, I'm coming home now. I hope that you'll have me. Now of course that is a stupid thing to say. I know when you see me, you'll want a hug. I may not be able to tell you, but I'll want a hug too."

Once they reached Virginia City, Adam slipped the picture in his pocket and awakened his wife and son. In town, he got a room at the hotel. He ate dinner with his wife and son, and then he informed her that he was going to rent a carriage. "The wedding is tomorrow, and we need to be there beforehand. I'll go look for my brothers while you and our son get some rest. If I do find them, it may be quite late before we're on our way to the Ponderosa."

Hoss was the first to see Adam as he entered the saloon. Several men had to jump out of the way as Hoss barreled his way toward his older brother catching him in a bear hug and lifting him off the floor. Joe was soon there too and pummeling Adam on the back.

"You made it! You came back for my wedding!"

"Yes, if I survive until then. It's good to see you two as well."

Hoss and Joe introduced Adam to their friends. Adam bought a few rounds which helped the friends warm up to the long absent Cartwright. Then Adam told his brothers that he had some news. He was married and had a small son. That announcement caused Hoss call for Sam to bring another round. Adam drank that one. It was the first and only drink he had that night.

"Older brother, you afraid of the little woman?"

"No, but I have to drive the carriage in the dark to the Ponderosa. It does change you when you have two lives as your responsibility."

"Ya think it's gonna change our little brother?"

"More than either of you could imagine at this point. Now, I'm going over to the hotel to get my family into the carriage. When do you suppose the two of you would be ready to ride home?"

It was well after midnight before the five of them got to the Ponderosa. Horses had to be stabled first and then Hoss and Joe helped Adam carry the luggage into the house and up the stairs. They left all the bags at the top of the stairs and walked as a group to their father's bedroom. Joe couldn't stop giggling. He thought that this was such fun. He would have broken out in a big giggle except when their father opened the bedroom door. First he looked perturbed and then he looked shocked. Hoss asked him if the didn't think Adam had the prettiest little wife and cutest little boy. Ben didn't say much. He grabbed Adam in a big hug and held onto him like he thought it might be a dream and that Adam might vanish at any moment. There were tears in all of the eyes by then. There was a lot to celebrate the next day with Adam home with a wife and son, and Joe getting married. More of Ben's dream was coming true.

Hoss' Contemplation

"Dagnabit, I near choked on my beer when I saw Adam coming through those saloon doors. I hardly remember getting to him, but I do remember him coughing and saying I might have broken some of his ribs. Then Joe was there a slapping him on the back, and it seemed like everything was in its place again in the world. He wasn't done with surprising me though. When he said he was married and had a son, I near choked on my beer again. Some of it did shoot out my nose which made Joe laugh but only for a second. I still got a glare that can make him sober up right quick. Well we celebrated with some real good feelings for the rest of the night until Adam said he'd like to get back to the Ponderosa. Now there's something I couldn't wait to see. What Pa's eyes were gonna be like when he saw Adam and his wife and son. That was something else too when I met them. That wife of his is shur pretty, and that little guy looks a lot like his proud papa."

Hoss stood in the hallway of the Ponderosa ranch house as his father hugged Adam like he thought he might be having a dream only instead of pinching himself, he was hugging to make sure it was real. "Pa's looking a little shaky there, but he's always been the rock foundation for this family. He is getting older though. Having Adam home and seeing that he has a grandson is likely gonna make him young again. He's been fighting that sadness and trying to keep it hidden from us, but we know him too well. He had to let Adam go, but he missed him every single day. It ain't that he don't love us just as much, but you always think about the one who's gone. I understand that. I felt a lot the same way. I had Joe but it was strange being the oldest brother at home and not having my oldest brother there beside me. It felt like a bucket with a small hole in it. It still works but you're always having to make up for what you lost through that hole. Now, the hole's been plugged."

Hoss' eyes drifted over to his youngest brother. "I shoulda known this was what he had in the works. I knew he was sending letters all over the place. I shoulda known he was trying to get one to Adam. Wouldn't be no other reason for Joe to write so many letters. That little brother of mine just ain't happy if he ain't thinking on some scheme to make money, a prank to pull on somebody, or a gal to chase after. Well he done good here. He scheme and got Adam home, and he chased that gal Alice 'til she caught him. I wish it wasn't so late and we could tell Hop Sing, but I know he worked hard all day getting ready for the wedding, and he's got a lot of work to do tomorrow too. Hey, I just thought on something. Joe's like having our own little leprechaun in the house. He's always looking for that pot of gold, he can charm the socks off of anyone, and there ain't nothing better for him than to be doing something that makes people laugh. Yup, he's our own little lucky leprechaun. I better not ever say that to him. He'd probably get real mad, but I'm gonna tell Adam when we talk. He'll like it."

That made Hoss look at his older brother. "Now he don't ever like to admit that he has such big emotions inside of him. He's got a heart as big as anybody, but he always tries to hide that. There's no way of hiding that he loves his wife and his boy, and tonight, we can all see how deeply he loves his Pa just like all of us. He traveled halfway around the world to get to Joe's wedding. Danged, if I couldn't see how proud he was of Joe tonight. Alice is gonna like it too. Having the whole family here to give a blessing to the wedding, and I bet she's really gonna like that there's another lady in the house. I shur hope Adam plans on staying. From the looks of him right now, I think he's done decided that the Ponderosa is in his heart however much he tried to deny it. It's got a hold on him that took going away for him to see it."

Watching the reunion scene, Hoss continued to think of Hop Sing. He turned to the stairs to summon the man but saw him at the top of the stairs looking as if he wondered if he could be included. With a big grin, Hoss signaled to him to come forward. When Adam turned and saw Hop Sing, Hoss would have given anything for the ability to capture that moment with a photograph or drawing. Adam's joy at seeing Hop Sing and Hop Sing's relief to see the oldest son home once more was priceless. After all the introductions were done, Adam took his wife and son into a guest bedroom. He said they would make a bed for their son on the floor as they often did while traveling so that he would not have to be alone. Hoss figured that Adam knew how scary being alone was at that age and was protecting his son. Hoss closed his bedroom door and smiled.

Joe's Contemplation

As Joe saddled up Cochise to head to town for his last night of drinking with his friends as a bachelor, he couldn't help but let a bit of sadness darken his otherwise upbeat mood. He had tried. He had written dozens of letters it seemed and sent them to every location and person he thought might know where Adam was. Somehow, the man seemed to have vanished. He hadn't heard anything back for months. The last correspondence was from a sea captain who had gotten the letter from someone else and said he thought that Adam had moved to Australia and would see about forwarding Joe's letter to him there. At first, Joe had been hopeful that he had finally located him, but there had been nothing since. He would be getting married the next day, and part of the family wouldn't be there to celebrate with him. As Joe rode into town, a profound sadness was in his heart even as he was openly jovial with those who rode with him.

"Adam, why did you have to leave? I know it hurt Pa and still does. More than any of us, I guess he understands what you had to do and why, but I still find it so hard to accept. We set three places at dinner now, and three places are filled. But the one place that isn't set still haunts me. I do have to wonder if I had acted differently toward you, would you still have gone. If I had admitted how much I admired you and wanted to learn from you, would you still be gone? Hoss has been a great brother to have and has taught me so much, but there are things I longed to learn from you and I guess now, I never will. I have so many more questions than answers. You always had an answer even when I didn't like hearing it. When Bryant had Pa, well, that was the worst one. Pa has talked to me about that time quite a bit. I feel guilty about saying that he was my Pa as if he wasn't yours and you didn't care. I still have trouble with you gambling with Pa's life that day even if Pa said you did the right thing, and that he would have accepted his death if he knew that goodness and justice would have come about because of it. I guess I never will understand how you can risk everything for what you believe."

Looking over at Hoss who rode beside him, Joe smiled but Hoss could see it didn't reach his eyes. He asked if Joe was missing Adam. "What else could I do but nod in agreement. Hoss knows me better than I know myself sometimes. He would know that I'm missing my brother more today than ever before. He misses him too, but he says Adam is right there in his heart and in his mind every day. He even says Adam talks to him telling him that everything's all right. Hoss says he would know if anything bad had happened to our brother, and I believe him. Every time I've doubted my big brother, I've been wrong. When Hoss says something, then that's the way it is. The poor guy couldn't lie to save his own life. Even when I've been in trouble with Pa because of some shenanigans, it is still amusing to see Hoss stammer and stutter and try not to tell what it is I did or we did, but he can't. He always ends up telling Pa the truth no matter what. I wonder what Hoss will say tomorrow to acknowledge that the family isn't whole no matter how many we add to it."

The two brothers rode into town and headed to the saloon with their friends. Hoss was hoping to get Joe home at a reasonably early hour although he guessed it would likely be midnight or later, but that would still give him time to sleep enough so he looked presentable when he stood next to Alice and took those vows the next day. Ben had been a bit stern when he asked Hoss to look out for his brother. It was simply that Hoss had no idea there were going to be two brothers to bring home to his father that night. When Adam walked into that saloon, Hoss leaped up to grab him in a bear hug. Joe spun around to see why Hoss had gotten so excited and then he was excited too. Adam was home. As Joe sat with him that night and heard what had happened in his life even if it was an abbreviated version due to the limited time they had, he kept thinking of their father. Joe might have had more to drink except he needed to be reasonably sober when they got home. It was a homecoming that couldn't be marred by anything if Joe could help it.

Later as Joe stood and watched his father and oldest brother hug, he wanted to yell and shout about it. He couldn't or he would have probably scared Adam's son and his wife, but it was hard to hold it all back in. "Pa, you're happy now. I haven't seen that big a grin on you much since Adam left. I know it was there, but I always sensed a hint of sadness behind it as if the joy we had would be so much better if shared with the whole family. I would do anything for you, Pa, and I have to say I am proud of myself for pulling this one off. I know how pleased you'll be when you found out how much detective work I had to do and how many letters I had to write. I guess I did learn a lot in school even if I complained to you about it all the time when I was a kid. Well, no more complaints now. You've taught me well. Family is the most important thing of all. You may be as strong as a Ponderosa pine, but even the strongest tree needs nourishment. I guess you got a lot of that tonight, and there will be more tomorrow and for all the tomorrows. I do love to see you smiling."

Hop Sing's Contemplation

"It is all good now. I have prayed and asked so often for this day to come. I find it difficult to express how I feel when I speak, but in my heart and mind, the words are clear. I heard Mister Hoss and Mister Joe come home. I stay awake most nights until I know my boys are home safely. I know Mister Ben does not sleep well when his sons are gone from this home. He has not slept well for years now with Mister Adam away. I will have to have a talk with Mister Adam about how he made the family worry. He knows better than that. Sometimes he needs to be reminded to do the right thing when it comes to his family. He has a good heart, but his pride and stubbornness sometimes get in the way. He comes by those traits very honorably though for his father has them in great measure too. It was why they loved each other so fiercely and why they argued so often. Neither could seem to see themselves in the other, but I could see. They are like two bulls or two stallions, always will fight but one must never threaten those they protect for they will fight most fiercely then."

Watching Adam and Ben break their hug, Hop Sing saw the smile on Little Joe. He had made this happen and his pride in his achievement was apparent.

"Ah, again, the youngest thinks that he is fierce but he will always be my Little Joe. He is all heart and play, that one. No one can find ways to enjoy life as he does. He knows the heart of others as well as he knows his own. He knew his honorable father prayed and prayed for this day. Now it is here, and the joy of all is because of the irrepressible joy of this one. He has made what was broken whole again. He needs to accomplish great deeds to feel that he is worthy of his father's respect. He has done the best of those things today."

Hoss reached out and put his hand on Hop Sing's back urging him forward to greet Adam. The two smiled and bowed to each other before Adam introduced his wife and son to his father and to Hop Sing. Hop Sing looked back at Hoss with a small smile.

"Yes, Mister Hoss is a big man, and there are too many who see only that. It is the same as many who only see that I am Chinese and small. But what they see is only the shell. It is inside where a man's treasure resides. Mister Hoss is a wise man who knows what others need. He has needs too, but he is shy. He does not say what is in his mind unless pushed by others or by circumstance. This day is as important to him as it is to the others. Mister Adam knows. That hand he put on Mister Hoss' shoulder as he introduced his wife tells Mister Hoss that as much as any words could convey. It seems those two have always been able to speak without words. Their characters were forged in adversity so they know what is most important. That hand on my shoulder told me that Mister Hoss sees me as family as the bow from Mister Adam did too. The smiles of the others tell me that as well. And now all my boys are home, and there is joy in the heart of this home again."

As goodnights were said, Hop Sing headed back down the stairs. He was smiling. "There is joy in my house again. My family is home and happy. It is all I need to know. I will light some candles and make long noodles, eggs, and sweet biscuits for breakfast tomorrow. Mister Ben will raise his eyebrows, but he will eat as will the others. He will smile for his heart is full as it should be and as mine is."

Candy's Contemplation

"It seems that I've heard for years about the long missing Cartwright. I could tell the love that each of the Cartwrights and Hop Sing held for him. For the life of me, I didn't understand it. How could they love somebody so much who was gone and didn't even write to let them know he was alive and well. Well tonight was quite the eye opening experience. When he walked into that saloon, I thought Hoss was gonna trample some men getting to his brother. There was no doubt in my mind that it was his brother either. They don't look at all alike, and they certainly are different in personality, but the love of one for the other was obvious. You can always tell what Hoss is feeling, and the joy in his face was enough for me to ignore how insensitive that older brother of his has been. Anyone who can make Hoss that happy is all right in my book. Hoss is the best judge of character I've ever met. I guess it's because there's not a rotten bone in the man that he can spot the rottenness in someone else so easily. He knows when somebody is trouble and warns his friends and family. Well, it's darn clear that he doesn't see anything wrong with his older brother. I just hope he didn't break the man's ribs with that bear hug of his."

While sitting in the saloon that night, Candy had been most interested in seeing Joe's reaction. It surprised him. He knew that Joe had some mixed feelings about his oldest brother. "Sometimes I got the feeling that he was competing with a memory trying to be his father's right hand man like he was replacing someone instead of being the man he was. I guess looking at getting married and taking on the responsibility of a family has changed him. He welcomed his brother home without any hesitation. He was as giddy as I've ever seen him, and when he found out his older brother was married and had a son, well, that was a corker. Joe's face was like a little kid in amazement at his first Christmas tree. I guess it was kinda like Christmas. They definitely got the present they wanted."

Candy had been sitting at the table with other hands celebrating Joe's upcoming wedding when Adam made his appearance. He watched and drew a few conclusions. The one that surprised him the most was when he was introduced to Adam. Hoss had brought his brother to the table and began the introductions. "He's polite. He acknowledged each man as he was introduced but he was reserved. When Hoss introduced me as the foreman and said he was his best friend and like a brother to him and to Joe, well the man's face lit up with a grin. He's got quite a charming grin when he uses it. He reached across and shook my hand, and it wasn't any polite handshake. It was firm, and he held it enough for me to know he meant it when he said he was grateful his brothers had such a great friend that they thought of me as a brother. I never expected that. I thought he might think I was trying to take something that wasn't rightfully mine, a place in the family, but what he said next floored me. He said a family can grow to love as many as can fit in a man's heart, and that he hoped we could be friends too. Then he made some smart alecky comment about how it looked like I raided his closet for that red shirt and black vest. Well, he better know that if he's going to be talking like that, he's going to be getting it right back so I told him it was because he wouldn't fit in these clothes any more. He threw his head back and laughed. Hoss slapped me on the back, and Joe started in with that giggle of his. Pretty soon we were having a few more drinks and then it was time to head on home. We got a wedding to attend tomorrow. Boy, Ben is sure going to be surprised. I wish I was family so I could see that reunion, but it'll be good enough tomorrow to see the boss happy to have his sons home and Joe getting married. I bet he was wondering if he would ever see that day. All in all, this has been one special day."


End file.
